What if I Lose Control?
by RadicalMercy26
Summary: "But, what happens if I lose control?" He asked, staring up at her with wide eyes. She hesitated for a minute. "You fight it." She said confidently. He knows now that she was lying. - This is a dark fic. You have been warned.


_Tama, I'm scared._

He remembers the night he had said that like it had been yesterday. He had awoken in the dead of night a scream in his throat. Skin sticky with sweat. Tears streaming down his face. The darkness covered him like a blanket and only fueled his fear. He saw demons everywhere in the dark. The Tamassran had ran in, candle in hand, to console him. With the back of her hand, she wiped the sweat from his brow and pulled his close. Asking in a soft voice what had scared him.

"The demons." He had said in between whimpers. "What if they get in my head?"

Stroking his head, she spoke calmly, "They cannot get in unless you let them. As long as you don't let your guard down you'll be okay. Remember, you must always stay in control."

Sniffling, he had wiped at his face, trying his best to stop his tears. He was supposed to be strong.

"But, what happens if I lose control?" He asked, staring up at her with wide eyes.

She hesitated for a minute.

"You fight it." She said confidently.

For a time he had believed her. But now, as he watches his war hammer slam in to Cassandra's side and send her flying through the air, he knows she was lying. He hopes the warrior will stand back up. He hopes that she will put him out of his misery, but she doesn't. She lay on the ground, at the steps of the Inquisitor's room, dead.

The demon laughs in his voice. Mocks her resolve, her faith, all in his voice.

He wants to die. His anger long since sizzled out. Fighting the demon had only made it easier for it to take his body. It had posed as the Inquisitor, his Kadan, to get to him. He should have seen through it and he hates himself for failing. Now, he is forced to watch as the demon kills everyone he cares for.

The Charger's had gone first. The demon caught them while sleeping, and they had no hope of defending themselves. Bull watched with a pain filled heart as his men were slaughtered by his own hands. He had screamed, pleaded, and apologized, but they never made it to his lips. The demon just laughed, happy to feed off of his pain.

The image of Krem's face was burned into his mind. His eyes were filled with confusion and pain. He had begged Bull to stop. The demon had made sure he was the last one to go. He took his time with Krem, forcing the man to beg and plead for his life only to slit his throat in the end.

Something hits him in the back pulling his attention back to the present.

The demon turns and he sees Dorian and Varric firing shots at him. Dorian sends a barrage of ice at him and the spell only bounces off of him. Varric's arrows pierce his skin, but not deep enough to be lethal.

"Tiny, don't make us do this!" Varric yells as he prepares Bianca for another attack.

The demon only chuckles in response.

Bull knows they won't beat him and his heart drops. He tries to close his eyes, to not see them be killed with his own hands. The demon keeps them open. It sends waves of pain through his mind for trying to resist.

 _'You will watch, you will feel.'_ It hisses to him. And he does.

Varric is the first to go. In two strides he was on the Dwarf. Swinging his hammer he knocked Bianca from his grip. The crossbow shattered into three pieces on the floor, and Bull felt a new wave of shame come over him. Varric tried to backpedal, one of his hands hanging limply at his side. He doesn't make it far. He feels his arm lift, feels the force behind the swing, and still Bull winces when the blow to his sternum lands. Varric's chest caves inward and he coughs up thick blood before falling backwards. He twitches once, before going still.

Bull is thankful his death was quick.

Turning to Dorian, the demon rushes him. The young mage sends another barrage of ice, this time at his feet, but it only slows him for a second. The demon throws his chain and catches Dorian around his staff arm. A look of fear overtakes Dorian's face, and he knows, as does Bull, that the fight is over.

"Bull, STOP!"

He wishes he could.

Pulling him towards him, the demon grabs Dorian by his throat and slams his head to the ground. Over and over and over again he slams the mage into the ground. Crimson blood pools at his feet, it stains his clothes and hands. The demon drops him and stares down at its handiwork.

Bull can feel the grin on his lips. It makes him sick.

Outside the Keep doors he can hear soldiers mobilizing, finally realizing what is going on. They'll come for him and they'll put him out of his misery. Hope returns to him.

The demon turns his attention back to the Inquisitor's chambers.

"One more thing to do." It says joyfully. Strapping his hammer to his back, the demon made its way up the stairs two steps at a time.

 _'No, don't do this!'_ He yells internally. His heart begins to race. He needs the soldiers to hurry, hurry before he reaches her. Laughter echoes around him, louder and louder with each step.

He wants to slow his steps, stop moving completely, but his efforts are useless. His muscles don't respond. Before he knows it, he is standing over her.

She is lying in bed, fast asleep, an empty cup on the floor beside her bed. He knows it's one of the potions she uses to help her sleep. Her strawberry blond hair falls around her like a halo and his heart aches at the sight. He wants to hold her, tell her how much he loves her, and trace the lines of the vallaslin on her cheeks.

The demon places his hand on her cheek and gives her loving stroke before clasping his hands around her throat. She doesn't respond at first, but soon enough her hazel eyes shot open in a mixture of confusion and fear. When her eyes land on him they are filled with a hatred and they feel like arrows stabbing into his heart.

She tries to speak, but her mouth hangs open, unable to form the words. She gasps for air. He feels her pulse beneath his fingers. It pounds against his hand, growing weaker with every moment. Her face begins to turn red and tears run down her face.

He screams, but the sound never leaves him and is only meet with more sick laughter. Her hits grow weaker and slower, and he knows she can't hold on for much longer. He utters apologies over and over again in his head, hoping that somehow she'll know it isn't really him. A way for her to know that he would never do this to her. He tried his best to think of something else, to look past her.

He hears boots on the stairs.

 _'They need to save her.'_ He thinks. He wishes he could turn away, wishes that this had never happen, that he had never let his guard down.

The feeling of her small hand against his face forces him to focus on her. She caresses his face softly, wiping away tears he didn't know had fallen. She looks at him no longer with hate, but with understanding, and his heart swells in a bitter sweet happiness.

He feels his muscles tighten, and her neck snaps. In an instant the light was gone from her eyes. She hangs from his hands and feels as light as a feather.

Behind him he hears Cullen yell orders, and hates him for not moving faster, for not saving her. For not killing him.

The demon laughs in his voice.

He wants to die.

He realizes he wants allot of things. He wants his Kadan back, his friends to be alive, his men to be okay, but, most of all, he wants to go back to that day and tell the Tamassran the truth. Tell her that when you lose control to a demon, there is nothing you can do, but sit and pray and hope that someone puts an end to your suffering.

He hears foot falls behind him and then cold steel through his chest.

And he is thankful for the small mercy of death.


End file.
